Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?

Ah, I'm tossing and turning. I'm pondering.

I miss writing. I miss reading. But I'm so damn busy and I manage my time so poorly. I collapse into naps and constantly forget things. Sometimes I know exactly what I'm doing, sometimes I wish I were doing something else. It's frustrating.

I'm grateful to be sleeping in a bed, safe and fed. And that I'm back in school. I'm grateful to be loved. I'm grateful to be broken. These things let me know I'm still alive. I'm succeeding in living, if nothing else.

What regrets will I have when I'm older? Will I wish that I had driven eight hours on a whimsical night to a blissful Eden? Did I say "Thank you" enough? Did I love enough? Did I positively impact your life?

Will I wish that I'd gone to a study abroad program in Ireland instead of moving to California? Will I consider those years, the years she claimed my heart, wasted? Should I have said something when I didn't? Held still and kept quiet instead of running?

Maybe it's a good thing to have regrets. If you get old and you don't have regrets, you did too much right! And where's the fun in that? You'd be bored with yourself. So maybe I should go nuts and buy a ticket to nowhere, Asia, with a pair of jeans and a dozen socks, and make a living as one of those people who push canoes full of cultivated something-or-other with a bamboo stick. Just me and my straw hat.

Stop. Rewind. Now imagine that I finish school, grab onto a fitting career, move into that perfect home, marry your other half, and raise a mischievous bunch of beautifuls? You come home - pull into the driveway, walk past the lavender and lace, through the wooden door and into the delicious smell of a healthy dinner, a smile and a kiss. Sip a little wine and unwind, tell me about your day and relax to my laugh. I'll hold you in our bed. Wake you in the morning with kisses.

Does everyone have a crazy side? Do you feel the constant battle between Id, ego, and superego? The Id says, "Let's go! Now!" The ego says, "Not now and maybe not ever, but we can daydream. Deal?" The superego slaps them silly, yelling, "You're both retarded. Stop this nonsense. We obviously need to invest more in a 401K and good dental plan before we even CONSIDER the unhealthy hazard of traveling and the dangers of investing our emotions into the unpredictable nature of people!"

For now, school. Number one priority. SCHOOL.