On my way to Andrew's for a night of distraction. The night is warm and the ride is smooth. I don't want to stop. I want to keep going till my car breaks down or until I reach the moon. That ridiculous moon that I don't appreciate anymore. It taunts, like poets say. I pass a cargo of cows and feel the usual pity of knowing their fates while they pace and stare off in ignorance. They're lucky, though. They have an end coming, an end to anything stressful or miserable. Their lives are surely worse than mine from the moment they're born. Sloshing in mud and eating moldy hay, meeting cold shoulders until they themselves become cold to the next cow in line.
But they have an ending.
Me? I'm pacing and staring off, fidgeting. I didn't even realize it till I was headed out the door for another walk this afternoon and Carmen called me antsy. That's when I called and made plans. Now I'm driving, passing cows, and thinking about the time when Jill and I sat in church, giggling over an analogy the pastor made. (Driving and suddenly realizing you're in your driveway. We thought that was pretty scary.)
I know I'm better off but like someone famous said, it's not the fall that kills you it's the sudden change in direction.
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Change is hard, Kate. Even change for the better. It's always hard.
I hear the longing in your voice ... I can tell you are wishing to be back in a comfortable, familiar environment. It's only normal to feel that way. It's only normal to feel lonely right now.
Kate, you're being a smart girl when you get in your car and head out for the nearest distractions.
Change is hard. And it takes a while to get adjusted to the change. There are no shortcuts. You just have to keep on being strong day after day after day until one morning you'll wake up and say, "I'm free of her. It's really and truly over." And it WILL be over, Kate, and you'll go on to have a bright and happy future.
Kate, Darling beautiful Kate, of course your old love is going to want you to come back to her. If she isn't already pleading with you to do so, it's only a matter of time. She's had a good thing going all these years. You're worth your weight in gold and she knows it. She will rise to the challenge of winning you back again. (SHE WILL RELISH THE CHALLENGE) She isn't going to sit quietly by and allow you to build a new and happier life for yourself.
My guess, sitting on the sideline looking on, is that your old love is reading every heartbroken line you post ... and loving it. LOVING IT. As long as you are miserable she can have her cake and eat it too. She can have her honeymoon period with prince charming and bask in the approval of dear daddy because she has chosen prince charming over you ... and at the same time ... in her deceitful mind ... you can bet she has a back up plan. If prince charming falls through ... WHEN prince charming falls through ... and if she and dear daddy have another parting of the ways ... WHEN she and dear daddy have another parting of the ways ... well, then she can play on your sympathy and get you to come back to her again. It's a win win situation for the girl. She's somewhere gloating right this minute. Enjoying your pain.
But, Kate, she can manipulate you only if you allow yourself to be manipulated.
I'm hoping you won't. I'm BETTING you won't. You're too smart.
Kate, give yourself plenty of time to get through the loneliness and homesickness that just naturally goes hand-in-hand with any change. Give yourself time to get over the terrible hurt you suffered in California.
It's going to be tempting for you to believe her when she cries and tells you she is so sorry she hurt you and she didn't mean it and she will never do it again. (and, yes, Kate, I KNOW this is what she will do. I know it.) And it will be tempting for you to forgive and forget and go back to her.
Only ... I hope you won't. I hope you will be strong enough to keep going forward into a better future. You DESERVE a better future.
You have the love of so many people, Kate. Lean on all that strong family strength until you have time to regain a strength of your own.
Don't weaken for a minute.
I love you so much.
Grandma Jo
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